I have fuck all to say…

by whatiwastryingtosaywas

This week’s update includes the introduction of absolutely gorgeous blotchy patches all over my body – bloody hormones couldn’t even uniformly blotch giving the impression that I’m a tanned, healthy human being as opposed to the cream puff dough girl with bits of off strawberry strewn about I’m coming across as.

I am finding the strangest things sexy – and no, I don’t mean animals or paper clips – I mean people, like Bruno Mars and Sheldon Cooper. This is new. And really unfair. If you’re going to believe all the liars who have gone before me, most fathers to be are blessed and presented regularly with insatiable horndogs during the second and third trimester. I’m not saying our sex life has become a veritable desert, we’ve done okay but, because of all the pictures they put in your head, this became yet another area in which I felt I’d failed miserably. I mean, the last thing I wanted to do most days was spread these hips or muck with the pelvic area.

And yet, here I am, three weeks to go, having a hot flash every time Sheldon squints his eyes.

People are still calling me “mum” or “mommy”, which is WEIRD, people, WEIRD!!!!!!! I am not your mother and it’s creepy when you call me mummy. The only person who I allow to do this is my friend Nadia who makes it sound like a good thing…

People are still telling me to “wait” and that I’ll be “planning number two before number one’s out of diapers”… and I’m still feeling inconsolable urges to hoof them in the general genital area, walk away and never call them again.

The hole at the top of my throat, which doesn’t close at this late stage cos the kid’s pushing your stomach up so high, still spits acid out of my stomach and almost directly into my lungs every night, which is the most pleasant thing to have happened to me since I jammed that rusty nail into my left eye.

Nothing fits. No. Thing! Even my preggy gear pinches. And I refuse to buy more. This stuff is ghastly, unappealing, unflattering and expensive. I will walk into the hospital naked before I buy more of it.

But the best thing that’s happening these days is the count downs… “min dae” say some, “soon soon” say others. Either way, Hudson’s on his way soon.

I just know I’ll be better at this when he’s outside. I just know it.