Definite signs that you’re a mum (y’know, in case the poop factory in a blanket isn’t enough of a reminder)…

by whatiwastryingtosaywas

So, you’ve had the baby… well done… but how do you know when you’ve turned *that* corner into true motherhood? If you were to ask me, nodding in agreement with more than three of the points below would cement it.

You know you’re a mum when:

  • You say things like “that’s not mine” or “is that ours?” whenever you hear a baby crying.
  • You’ve been peed on, pooped on, vomitted on and you still love this little thing more than anyone on earth
  • Your boobs are never going to recover and it’s always going to be worth it
  • If you are breastfeeding, seventeen different people have seen your boobs out and you don’t care
  • You’ve never had such well developed upper arm muscles
  • You have at times, during particularly long crying sessions, considered gently patting his mouth to make awesome indian warrior noises
  • You’ve developed a love hate relationship with the Tellytubbies
  • You can’t remember the last time you ate hot food or managed to gag it down in one sitting
  • You’ve become a master at making up and singing new songs on the fly and at any given point of any given day
  • You’ve said “hello” often enough to make it into the Guinness Book of Records
  • Your Facebook used to showcase a debauched life full of people but now serves as a shrine of photos of your kid
  • His fingernails are so long they’re leaving marks on his skin and yet you’re still too terrified to take anything sharp to them because the one time you did you almost took his finger off
  • You haven’t carried a handbag in three months as everything you need these days (i.e. your purse) fits neatly into the nappy bag
  • You’re actually annoyed that you’ve lost weight cos each time he head bangs your clavicle he cries his heart out
  • You survive on four hours sleep a day, have never looked so exhausted, haven’t washed your hair in days and are being called “Tarzan’s Jane” by your significant other, and you couldn’t care less
  • You feel mental about being jealous when he flirts with other boobs women
  • You always thought any babysitter would do but now are prepared to stay home forever rather than put him into the hands of anyone else
  • All it takes is one shy blink of those gargantuan lashes and you melt
  • You’re almost back to work, have nothing that fits and still you only come home from the shops with clothing for him
  • It never matters how often or for how long he needs you as long as he does
  • Nobody, and I do mean nobody, else can manage him as well a you can
  • You’re halfway to where you’re going and have a chilling fear that the baby is not snug in the car seat and you’ve left him at home alone
  • You’ve spent at least four nights of his life getting up every half an hour to make sure he’s still breathing
  • You’re afraid to have sexual intercourse cos you think the sounds might scar him for life
  • You worry that you’re not stimulating, talking to, staring at him enough and that he’s going to become a complete dolt because of it (and you have felt immense guilt after getting caught up in a show only to find him staring at you intently)
  • You have *never* really considered the making awesome Indian warrior noises…
  • You’re dead certain he’s talking and can turn any gurgle into a word
  • There is no other baby as cute or as intelligent or as advanced or as flipping fantastic as your kid