Dejavu sucks…

So I’ve decided to come back to work and it’s kind of a mind fuck. Just over four weeks ago people were coming to my table, welcoming me back, looking at my pictures, welcoming me to the club and now they’re back only this time covered in a shadow of trepidation and pity.

Thankfully, there’s only been one who couldn’t hold back on her own emotions. Everyone else seems to be quite stoic. Not too many asking *the* question… “How’re you doing?”. I mean, my natural instinct is to say “Still shitty thanks. Still a mother to no son. Still so full of guilt and resentment that I’m not sure I’ll ever be me again.” but what I do say is “Fine.” and that seems to placate. On that note, is placation my job now? Feels like it may be. 

Very importantly, I’m not entirely sure what I should be doing.

I have my headphones on and a playlist playing. Every five songs or so I wonder if this was a good idea as music has this unfortunate ability to raise the most chest crushing emotions – it always has with me. But I have come to work armed with medication, a phoney smile and a deadlocked spine that I refuse to let cave.

I’m paging through emails I don’t care about and generally avoiding eye contact in case someone asks me to do something. I suppose it’s easy to not know what you’re supposed to be doing in this circumstance. I’ve lost the plot on most of our client projects and, while I’m sure I’ll get back into it, it all just seems a bit futile. A bit mundane. So small in comparison to my reality, which is one where the only thing that matters is that instead of going home today crying because I’m so excited to be seeing my son and taking him for his early evening walk around the complex I’ll be going home and just crying.

Maybe I should just take that walk anyway.

On the life side of things, we’re managing. The only time I can’t seem to grapple with my tears in public is when I see mums and their babies. But there’s no hiding from them.

The three little lessons I keep repeating to myself and that, who knows, may help someone else in this situation are as follows:

1. Be patient with others

2. Be kind to yourself

3. Breathe

In other news: We’ve had an amazing response to our fund raising efforts – for those who don’t know, I’m raising funds that I want to donate to initiatives that raise awareness around CHDs – and a very special friend has given us advertising space in quite a few local papers. I’ve been avoiding this project all day and promised him fodder by this evening so probably should get onto it at some point. The problem is they’ll want copy and a picture. Should I be pasting photos of my dead son in local newspapers to raise funds for other people? I don’t know.